


To Be Loved

by longcat (eexiee)



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Spoilers, Top Yoosung, Yooran
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 15:50:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8630206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eexiee/pseuds/longcat
Summary: Saeran has never had the opportunity to love or be loved. He can't trust anyone, because everyone he's ever known has betrayed him. And then Yoosung comes along, telling him he'll be there for him, and Saeran doesn't know what to do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> !!!MAJOR SPOILERS FOR MYSTIC MESSENGER ESPECIALLY 707 ROUTE/AFTER ENDING/SECRET ENDINGS and slight references to other characters' routes as well!!!
> 
> This fic deals with a lot of mental illness. I don't know which illnesses afflict Saeran so I just based it off my own experiences with depression and anxiety. It may not be what you or people you know have experienced, and it may not fit with what you thought Saeran would be like, but it's how I decided to write it. Please be gentle if you want to leave feedback on that front!
> 
> Also, MC's name is Minkyung just because Main has an M sound and Character has a K sound.
> 
> Lastly, formatting is a bitch.

_Someone to care._

_Someone to share_

_Lonely hours and moments of despair._

_To be loved, to be loved,_

_Oh, what a feeling, to be loved._

 

 

Saeran is tired. So tired. Ever since his trip to the hospital and back to Saeyoung’s home, Saeran has consistently felt exhausted. Saeyoung and Minkyung have been overly kind to him, both of them babying him and hovering over him. He hates it. Saeyoung and Minkyung are in love and they have a bond that is so different from the one Saeran has with either of them. They’re nice to him, but Saeran hates it. He hates feeling like a burden they have to carry along with them all the time. Even when Minkyung holds his hand, or when Saeyoung ruffles his hair, Saeran can’t help but feel like it’s so forced. He doesn’t understand how they can be the way they are. He’s never had the opportunity to feel love or feel loved.

This party isn’t helping Saeran’s exhaustion at all. He’s sitting in the corner of the room but it’s still too noisy. The festivities seem endless, and even though the people all look familiar, Saeran feels so troubled. It’s strange seeing everyone in the RFA here when he targeted them once. Even Minkyung, who’s been so good to Saeran...she joined the RFA after he tricked her and she’s still smiling as if nothing has happened. He never imagined that she would end up with Saeyoung.

“Huh? Where’s Saeran?” comes a soft, sweet voice, and Saeran looks up, his reverie interrupted. He sees Yoosung and Zen sitting on the sofa looking at him, both smiling those infuriating smiles that make it seem like all is forgiven.

“What are you doing, bro?” Zen grins. “Come here!”

“What’s with that ‘bro?’” Yoosung laughs, shaking his head at Zen. Jumin nudges Zen to get up, and Saeran notices how Yoosung’s smile is so bright compared to Jumin’s straight face.

“There won’t be space for all of us on the sofa, so I will be standing,” Jumin says, and Saeran shrugs, looking away. They’re gathering, and Saeran’s not.

“Saeran, come here!” Saeyoung repeats what Zen had just said, but Saeran is still reluctant to get up. Jaehee’s saying something about taking a photo and Saeran just feels so out of place. He’s not one of them. They’re friends, practically family. And even though Saeran is Saeyoung’s blood brother he’s never felt further from any group of people than he does now.

But Saeyoung is giving him a look from the sofa. It’s pleading and sad, as if he knows what Saeran is thinking and he’s asking him to come to the sofa.

“There’s no space,” Saeran tries to say. It’s a weak excuse. There’s physical space on the sofa, of course. But there’s no space for him in the RFA. There’s no space for him to be friendly, to be loved.

Then, suddenly, Saeran feels a warm hand on the small of his back. Yoosung is smiling at him, and his smile isn’t sad or pitying or desperate. It’s kind. It’s bright. It’s warm. “Here, you can sit beside Minkyung. I’ll be here.” He points to the arm of the sofa next to Saeyoung. His voice sounds so reassuring, much to Saeran’s surprise. Saeran sits where Yoosung told him to, next to Minkyung, and he casts a glance at Yoosung before turning away again.

“Saeran…” Saeyoung begins.

“Don’t talk to me. We’re taking a photo,” Saeran snaps. He doesn’t like snapping at his brother but somehow he can’t stop himself. It feels like a reflex at this point and he’s ashamed. He looks down again, but Saeyoung is undeterred.

“I’m happy. I’m so, so happy.” He sounds so moved, so touched, so absolutely emotional. And of course he would be, but Saeran still hates it.

“Idiot,” Saeran mutters, but Saeyoung’s attention has been turned to Minkyung. He whispers something in her ear and then the camera’s red light starts to flash faster. The others pose, but Saeran can’t be bothered. He hears the shutter click and Saeyoung saying “we are the RFA!” but Saeran’s heart hurts. He’s not the RFA. He’ll never be.

Saeyoung kisses Minkyung as the others get up to go rejoin the party, with Zen pouring drinks for the couple. Who knows when Saeyoung is planning to propose? Saeran doesn’t care. It’s not like any relationships will change, and a wedding will just mean more parties that Saeran doesn’t want to attend. He hates this. He hates it all.

“Saeran?” comes Yoosung’s voice again, and suddenly Yoosung is sitting next to Saeran on the sofa. “I’m glad you’re here. I want to get to know you better.” Saeran looks at him like he’s crazy - he _is_ crazy. He’s acting just like Saeyoung and Minkyung. Putting on a fake smile, displaying fake concern, fake interest. It’s all an act. Nobody cares. One day they’ll just give up on him. It’s better just to push everyone away now.

“Don’t be stupid,” he hisses at Yoosung. “You know, if you’d come to get Minkyung from Mint Eye, I’d have kept you hostage, right? You do know that.”

“Saeran, we don’t have to talk about -”

“But I don’t think I would have wanted to kill you,” Saeran muses. “No...you might have made a nice slave.” He glances out of the corner of his eye to gauge Yoosung’s reaction, and Yoosung looks shocked.

“A...a slave?” he squeaks, and Saeran find it pitiful. Yeah, Yoosung would have been a great slave.

“You’d have been so loyal to me...because I would have killed Minkyung if you had tried to stray. I know you like her. You’re jealous of Saeyoung. So I could have used that to keep you obedient.”

“No,” Yoosung replies firmly, and Saeran turns to face him. Yoosung is wearing an expression of determination, and it’s surprising Saeran a little. “I don’t love Minkyung like that. I admit she interested me at first but it’s clear she and Saeyoung are fated. And I don’t think you would have made me your slave.”

“I would have,” Saeran insists, because it’s true. He had thought about it. It didn’t end up happening but it was something he had considered.

“But you wouldn’t anymore.” It’s not a question. It’s a statement, as if Yoosung knows that Saeran wouldn’t. And again, he’s right. Saeran can’t imagine forcing Yoosung to do anything now. Maybe it’s because he’s lost his will to control people. He can’t even control his own life, how could he possibly expect to control someone else? “Saeran, I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that happened.”

“What are you even saying? It was all Saeyoung...and V...and...and Rika. My mother and father. I’ll even blame Minkyung. I’ll fucking blame _myself_. But you didn’t do anything. Why are you saying sorry?”

Yoosung smiles, and Saeran wants to slap him. But he doesn’t, because he doesn’t mind holding onto a mindless illusion for a moment. For a moment, he doesn’t mind thinking that Yoosung might sincerely care.

“You’ve had a difficult time. I want to be here for you. So...you can rely on me, okay? I know it might seem like Saeyoung and Minkyung are busy all the time, and Jumin and Jaehee tend to be busy as well, and Zen too I guess...but I promise we’re all here for you. And I’m always here. Always, okay? Any time you want to talk just log into the messenger and I’ll be there!”

Saeran feels sick. This is too much. “I don’t need you,” he mutters. He has to push Yoosung away. “Why would I need you? You’re not talented like Saeyoung. You’re not rich like Jumin. You’re not diligent like Jaehee. You’re not handsome like Zen. And you’re not fearless like Minkyung. I know about you. You’re a lazy gamer who can’t even pass easy classes. You have nothing to offer me.”

Yoosung frowns, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times as if he’s about to say something equally nasty but continually catches himself. “I have support to offer you. I have time. I have energy. I have a lot of friendship to give, Saeran. I hope you realize that.”

“Like I said, I don’t need you,” Saeran repeats. He wants to throw up. Yoosung looks so hurt and Saeran can imagine what he’s thinking. Saeran’s sure he thinks what a waste of time it was to reach out, how poorly he’s being treated by someone he’s trying to help. Yoosung gets up and walks away, and his silhouette looks tense. At least Yoosung won’t be a bother now.

Jumin and Jaehee were never very invested in Saeran. Zen is only nice when he’s around, and he doesn’t pay much attention during any other time. Saeyoung and Minkyung are faking it, and besides, they’ll be busy with the wedding soon enough. Yoosung was the last one Saeran really had to push out of his life. Sooner or later he’ll be alone again, just as he should be.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The party finally ends well into the night, and the guests trickle out one by one. Jumin and Zen leave at the same time, Zen arguing with Jumin all the while. Jaehee leaves shortly after. Vanderwood follows them, and even the celebrities who came (Echo Girl? Christmas Nolan? Saeran’s still not entirely sure who these people are or why they’re here) start to leave as well.

Saeran has felt Yoosung’s eyes on him all night, and now as Yoosung is at the door, he pauses in front of Minkyung and Saeyoung. Yoosung looks at Saeran, who’s sitting across the room on the stairs, and he frowns.

“Don’t worry about Saeran,” Minkyung smiles gently, putting a hand on Yoosung’s arm. Saeran really hates her. She’s so motherly to Yoosung and it disgusts him. She’s weird. He wishes he’d exploited some other woman, someone who wouldn’t have dealt with this situation even remotely as well as Minkyung has. “We’ll take good care of him. Just leave him to us.”

“Good luck,” Yoosung pouts, glaring at Saeran once again. He leaves, and with that, the last of the guests have left the apartment. Minkyung and Saeyoung turn to Saeran and Minkyung has that motherly look on her face again, the one that Saeran hates so fervently.

“What did you say to Yoosung?” Saeyoung asks.

“The truth,” Saeran shrugs. Saeyoung opens his mouth but Saeran continues. “Don’t even try to lecture me. I’m your brother, not your child. You and you,” he points at Minkyung, “treat me like a kid. I’m an adult and I get to decide what I do. Not you.”

“Saeran, Yoosung is really trying to help you,” Minkyung begins.

“Shut up,” Saeran snaps. “I’m going to bed.”

“Saeran, please,” Saeyoung pleads. “We’re all trying to help you.” Saeran ignores the couple, trudging up the stairs into the bedroom that Saeyoung had prepared for him. It’s incredibly comfortable, with pillows and stuffed animals everywhere. There are boxes of Honey Buddha Chips that Saeyoung told Saeran to help himself to, and there’s even a robot cat that Saeran turned off as soon as he arrived.

There’s no computer.

He knows Saeyoung doesn’t trust him, even if Saeyoung insists he does. And why should he? The number of times Saeran tried to kill them, any of them, is enough to cause distrust. But it hurts. It’s just another facet of the illusion they’re trying to show Saeran.

He falls down on his bed, wishing he had tears left to cry. Crying would feel so good right now; it would be such a release. But he can’t. He picks up his phone instead. He has no reason to log into the messenger, but he does. He clicks on the chatroom button and it shows that Yoosung is logged in. Saeran is so curious. He doesn’t want Yoosung to think he’s here to apologize or make friends, but he wants to see what Yoosung is thinking. He wants to know if Yoosung is broken or if his will to befriend Saeran has dissipated. He wants to know.

He logs in.

The chatroom is quiet for a long time, so long that Saeran is about to fall asleep when he hears a beep.

 

**Yoosung★**

I’m not giving up on you, you know.

**Yoosung★**

I know you’re only acting this way because you’re hurt inside. I know you’re trying to push me away. You’re trying to push everyone away.

**Yoosung★**

You hurt my feelings and I don’t know if I can stand it for very long. But I can’t give up on you.

**Yoosung★**

So please just let yourself be helped. I want to help you so badly. I want to help you.

**Yoosung★**

Saeran please say something.

**Unknown**

You know nothing about me.

**Unknown has left the chatroom**

 

What the fuck. What the fuck was that. Saeran’s embarrassed. He doesn’t want Saeyoung to read what Yoosung wrote. He definitely doesn’t want Minkyung to read it. It feels too intimate, almost, as if Yoosung is confessing something.

Saeran knows it’s nothing like that - he’s read the old chat logs. He knows that Yoosung is the type to say what’s on his mind or deep in his heart. But Saeran never expected that sort of thing would be because of him. It’s too weird to think about.

He’s been tired all day, all week, all month, but suddenly he can’t seem to fall asleep.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Yoosung comes by Saeyoung’s apartment again two days later, and today he appears well-armed. Saeran watches the security screen as Yoosung struggles with the gate password (today it’s “tomato brothers and future Mrs. tomato” in Arabic), but Yoosung is prepared with his dictionary. He’s got a backpack that looks heavy, but Saeran only has a fleeting interest in what could be inside.

The door opens and Yoosung walks in, looking around.

“Eh? Saeran, you were at the door controls this whole time and you didn’t let me in?” he asks, pouting when he sees Saeran in front of the screen.

“I don’t know the password for the door either,” Saeran shrugs. Saeyoung made it very hard for his brother to leave the apartment, and Saeran resents him for it. Of course he says it’s in Saeran’s best interests, but Saeran doesn’t agree. Then again, it’s not like he couldn’t find a way out, but at this point, he’s lost much of his will to do anything at all.

“How are you feeling today?” Yoosung asks, dropping his backpack on the ground and plopping himself on the sofa.

“More annoyed now that you’re here,” Saeran snaps, and to his surprise, Yoosung rolls his eyes.

“Stop being so tsundere,” he says. “I’m here to have fun with you, so we’re going to watch a movie and play games and eat Honey Buddha chips!” He smiles, bringing his feet up onto the sofa. Saeran’s still sitting on the stool next to the door controls, and he frowns at Yoosung.

“Didn’t I say I didn’t need you?”

Yoosung frowns back. “Didn’t I say I’m not giving up on you?”

“You must be a masochist,” Saeran smirks, but the expression feels difficult to wear today. The words he’s got prepared feel like marbles in his mouth. “You’re not some manic pixie dream girl who can withstand the hateful things I say to you. Eventually you’ll break. Eventually you’ll learn to give up. And it’ll be so fun for me to watch.”

“Stop it already,” Yoosung whines. “I know you’re just doing this because you feel stormy inside, but I honestly just want to be here for you and be your friend. Stop being some movie villain and come here. Let yourself have some friendship.”

Saeran doesn’t quite know what to do when Yoosung doesn’t take him seriously. Yoosung watches him, and Saeran looks back. It’s a staring contest that Yoosung eventually wins.

“I’m not watching a movie with you,” Saeran finally says, looking away.

“Well what if you sit over there and I watch the movie by myself? Will you at least stay in the same room as me?”

Saeran furrows his brow. “You want me to be here that bad?”

“Yes,” Yoosung replies.

“Fine, if you’re so desperate, I’ll sit with you,” Saeran sighs. So annoying. So annoying. He sits down stiffly next to Yoosung, and Yoosung smiles.

“What do you want to watch? I have all of these movies,” he rifles through his backpack to pull out about twenty DVDs. “Wanna try one of these?”

“I don’t care,” Saeran says, pointedly looking away.

“Okay! I choose Architecture 101,” Yoosung replies, completely unperturbed. He starts up the movie and then they watch in silence.

It’s actually a rather interesting movie. It’s about two people who met when they were young and fell in love but weren’t able to make it work out. They meet again seventeen years later and Saeran doesn’t want to be interested but he is. It’s kind of touching, really. He knows he’ll never get to experience love like this, but it’s nice just to be immersed in a movie and not have to think about anything else.

But as if to remind him that real life is ongoing, Yoosung leans into Saeran, his head on Saeran’s shoulder.

“What are you -” he starts to hiss, but he realizes that Yoosung is asleep. This is the closest he’s ever been to Yoosung’s face, and now that he’s looking, Yoosung is quite nice to look at. His blond hair is damaged from the bleach and his brown roots are starting to show, but it doesn’t look bad on him. His cheeks are full and slightly rosy, his lips a perfect size and shape. He looks a bit like the savior - no, Rika - at times, but without the curves and delicate features. Saeran had never really thought about Rika being pretty or anything, but pretty is the first thing to come to mind when he looks at Yoosung.

No, no, no. He can’t be admiring Yoosung right now. He can’t admire anyone. It’s gross, it’s wrong, and he’s not allowed to have...well, thoughts. He’s not allowed to have thoughts about anyone. He really shouldn’t be having thoughts at all. He knows that.

“Get off,” he finally says, shaking Yoosung’s head off his shoulder.

“Huh?” Yoosung rubs his eyes, looking at Saeran. “Ah, what’d I miss?”

“Everything,” Saeran grumbles, getting up. “I’m going to my room.”

“Eh? Wait, Saeran,” Yoosung calls, but it’s too late and Saeran is up the stairs. This is bad.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Saeyoung, no. You can’t keep him locked up,” comes Minkyung’s voice from the hallway. It’s about ten-thirty in the morning, according to the dumb analog clock on Saeran’s bedside table.

“I’m worried.”

“So am I but you can’t keep him in here. He needs to go outside, he needs to see the sun.” She’s trying to whisper but her voice keeps becoming stronger and he can hear her.

“He could run away!” Saeyoung loud-whispers in reply. “I can’t let him go out alone. I need to make sure he’s okay.”

“You know that Yoosung volunteered to hang out with him. He even seemed eager.”

“Saeran could hurt him,” Saeyoung sighs. “Saeran could hurt himself.”

“Man, give your brother some credit,” Minkyung scolds her fiance. “He’s been so much better lately. I know you want to protect him and shelter him. I know you mean well. And I love you for it. But Saeyoung, you have to see that eventually you won’t be able to shelter him. He doesn’t even want to be sheltered. It won’t make him trust you more. It’ll make him resent you more.”

“I don’t know, Minkyung…” Saeyoung trails off. Saeran’s a little bit impressed that Minkyung understands his thoughts. He doesn’t know if she’s right about needing to go outdoors, but at least she understands that Saeran resents them all. He’s being treated like some dangerous criminal.

Ah, but isn’t he? He’s a hacker, a kidnapper, a killer. He _is_ a dangerous criminal. This is just what he deserves.

“I’m going to see if he wants to go out. He can come with us for today. Just to the store. Is that okay?”

“Alright,” Saeyoung acquiesces. As expected, Saeran hears Minkyung’s knock, and he opens the door, pretending he hadn’t heard their conversation.

“Oh! Saeran,” Minkyung smiles. “Do you want to come to the store with me and Saeyoung today? I think some fresh air would be nice, don’t you?”

“Is Yoosung coming?” he asks, and Saeyoung and Minkyung exchange a quick glance.

“Do you want him to come? We can ask Yoosung if you -”

“No, I don’t want him to come,” Saeran says. “I’ll go.”

Minkyung and Saeyoung look at each other again before both breaking into big (fake!) smiles. “Great!” Minkyung says, sounding happy. If only Saeran could believe in the illusion. It would be such a blissful state of ignorance. “Well, should we go?”

“I guess so,” Saeran replies.

They pile into one of Saeyoung’s many cars (“Saeran, you can have this car if you want!” Saeyoung had said, but Saeran knows he doesn’t mean it, since he’s hardly allowed to go outside anyway) and they drive towards the store.

It’s a beautiful sunny day, but Saeran has never really been the outdoors type. He looks down to see that he has a new message on his phone.

 

**Zen**

Saeran~~ Me and Yoosung are going to the store. You wanna join?

19/10 AM 10:48

**Zen**

We’re going now but we can come pick you up if you want. Let us know!

19/10 AM 10:49

 

“Shit,” Saeran mutters, and he sighs. He looks out the window. So he will have to face Yoosung after all. How troublesome.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Browsing vegetables at the store is not Saeran’s idea of a nice day. Minkyung is getting irrationally excited over the quality of today’s artichokes and Saeyoung keeps trying to sneak tomatoes in the basket when Minkyung isn’t looking. (“Saeyoung, you’re the only tomato I need,” she says every time. In reality she just doesn’t like tomatoes and Saeyoung thinks it’s hilarious.) They tell him to pick out whatever he wants, and he’s tempted to go ask for a kilo of fresh burgundy truffles just to see Saeyoung and Minkyung squirm when they realize they have to tell him that when they said “whatever he wants” they didn’t mean ten million won worth of mushrooms. But he doesn’t do that because it’s a waste of time and energy.

He wanders around the store alone, and soon he finds himself in the candy aisle.

He remembers Saeyoung coming home once, a long time ago, with little multicolored sugar stars. They were so sweet, so cute, and Saeran had loved them. They hid the candies from their mother and the jar Saeyoung had smuggled in lasted them months. That was his first time having candy, and after that, he ate candy whenever he could get his hands on it. Somehow now, though, it just feels like too much of a hassle to find the candies, and besides, Saeyoung would suspect Saeran of recalling fondness towards his brother. Saeran does not love Saeyoung, and memories are just memories.

“Hm? You like these?”

Saeran turns and of course Yoosung is beside him. Of course. “I liked candy.”

“Liked? Do you not like it anymore?” Yoosung asks, pondering the chewy ginger candies they’re standing in front of.

“I don’t know.”

“Have you ever tried these?” Yoosung asks, bending down to the lowest shelf. He stands up again and in his hand is a jar of the little stars. Saeran doesn’t want to show it but he’s honestly a bit shocked. “I’ll buy it and we can share! I think you’ll like them if you like candy.”

“Okay,” Saeran finds himself saying without even thinking. Yoosung breaks into a smile, beckoning Saeran to follow him to the cashier.

“Oh, I saw Saeyoung and Minkyung. They were asking if you had anything else you wanted to buy.”

“No,” Saeran replies, and Yoosung’s smile grows.

“Good, that’s what I figured. So they went home and you and I are going to spend the afternoon together!” Yoosung pauses to let Saeran react but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do, because for a half second there, he felt happy. But he can’t. He can’t be happy. He’s not allowed, he doesn’t deserve it. “So, anything you want to do today?” Yoosung once again jerks him from his thoughts. “I was thinking maybe we could get some coffee and walk along the river. Or maybe we could ride the Namsan cable car? Ah, maybe you’d like to go to the Coex Aquarium or a museum instead?”

“I’ve never been to Namsan,” Saeran says as they approach the cashier. Yoosung smiles back at him, and as he pays for the little stars, Saeran thinks maybe...maybe he can afford to be a little vulnerable today.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They wait for the Namsan Oreumi, sharing the star candies. Yoosung only takes one after Saeran has, but Saeran keeps taking them because Yoosung looks like he wants to devour the entire jar. And Saeran does like them, as much as he hates to admit it. They’re tasty and they bring back good memories.

Yoosung tells Saeran about his LOLOL character and how he’s a guild leader. Saeran’s never played that game but the way Yoosung’s eyes sparkle when he talks about how much fun it is, it makes him want to try it.

“Oh!” Yoosung says, as if to read Saeran’s thoughts. “Why don’t you come over sometime and we can make a character for you? Then you can play with me!”

“I don’t...Saeyoung wouldn’t let me,” Saeran replies weakly.

“What?” Yoosung’s eyes go wide. “He plays, though.”

“Yeah, but I’m not allowed to use the computer. He doesn’t want me hacking or hurting people.”

“Well, would you? I don’t think you would, right?”

Saeran doesn’t reply as they board the Namsan Oreumi, and it’s packed. Saeran is pushed up against Yoosung and even though Yoosung is younger and shorter, he’s clearly more muscular than Saeran is. It makes sense, Saeran supposes. Saeran’s been on drugs for ages, and besides that, his nutrition has been shit his entire life. Yoosung, on the other hand, seems to eat well and often, and from the hacking Saeran had done, he knows Yoosung excels at physical education.

It’s comforting, somehow, to be touching Yoosung. He’s really warm - it seems like he’s always warm - and Saeran would love nothing more than to melt into the younger boy. But of course, that can’t happen. It can’t. He’s not supposed to be happy. He sighs, wishing he could just allow himself to lean into Yoosung, to let someone into his life even just a bit. But he’s bitter and angry and he doesn’t know how to do any of that. And above all, he cannot allow himself to trust anyone. Not a single person.

They arrive at the ticket counter for the Namsan cable car and Yoosung pays for both of them. Saeran sees a couple at the counter next to them doing the same thing. He wonders what it’s like to go on a date. He wonders if Saeyoung and Minkyung have done this before. He wonders if Yoosung has ever brought a woman here - no, he thinks that can’t be possible, considering he watched Yoosung tell Minkyung when they first started chatting in the chatroom that he’s never had a girlfriend.

“We should come here at night sometime too,” Yoosung says. “It’s so beautiful at night. Do you want to do that sometime?”

Saeran shrugs. He doesn’t care.

“Let me show you a picture! I took it last time I came here; it’s so pretty.” He scrolls through his phone’s photos and then turns the screen towards Saeran. “What do you think?” Yoosung’s right. It’s beautiful. The photo quality isn’t that good but Saeran can imagine the sparkling lights all across Seoul, glimmering in the distance. “So, should we do this again? Should we come see it again? Doesn’t have to be anytime soon, but I think you might like it, maybe.”

“Fine,” Saeran says. If Yoosung is this desperate to have him tag along to every little thing then so be it. It’ll be interesting to watch when Saeran finally pushes him away after letting him in.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The view from Namsan is beautiful. Saeran can see for miles and miles, and he wishes that he could stay here forever. The breeze is cool, almost cold and it feels so fresh and free. The sunlight warms him, the wind invigorates him.

Yoosung returns from taking pictures of the tower and sidles up next to Saeran at the overlook. They’re so close their arms are touching, and Saeran hates to admit how nice it feels.

“It’s nice, huh?” Yoosung says softly. His body heat is radiating towards Saeran.

“Yeah,” Saeran replies. “It’s nice.”

“Saeran, I just want to say...if you ever want to do stuff like this, or anything at all, just message me, okay? Even if it’s like...you want to go to the convenience store with someone.”

Saeran sighs; he knew this sort of talk was coming. But somehow, when it’s Yoosung, it doesn’t feel fake. Saeyoung and Minkyung always have that aura that makes Saeran feel like a burden. But Yoosung doesn’t feel like that and Saeran can’t put his finger on why.

“I will,” Saeran finally replies. He doesn’t look at Yoosung, but rather across Seoul, and he breathes in the fresh October air.

“Good,” Yoosung replies.

It’s funny, Yoosung seems to sense when Saeran doesn’t want to talk. Or, rather, he seems to be able to sense when Saeran doesn’t want to listen. And right now, the silence is comfortable. It’s weird. Even as they walk side by side around the area, Yoosung quietly eyeing the ticket prices to go to the top of the tower, they’re comfortable. Saeran never felt comfortable with silence before. With his mother, it always meant she was going to snap soon. With Rika it meant she was thinking about something that would eventually trouble Saeran. Even with Saeyoung and Minkyung, silence means they feel awkward around him. But with Yoosung Saeran doesn’t feel any of that.

It scares him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Should we share a tornado potato?” Yoosung asks, and for a second Saeran doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “That,” Yoosung points without having to be asked, and Saeran catches a glimpse of a long spiral potato on a stick. He’s not hungry and he doesn’t usually want things like that, but Yoosung looks like he’s drooling and Saeran wonders if it could possibly be that delicious.

“Okay.”

“Okay, I’ll go -”

“Wait. You paid for everything today. I can do it this time,” Saeran says.

“You have money?” Yoosung asks, surprised, and Saeran glares at him. Yoosung smiles anyway. “Okay, then. Thank you, Saeran.”

Thank you, Saeran. Those are words Saeran hasn’t heard often. He’s just buying a snack for Yoosung but he’s being thanked. Has Saeran ever seriously thanked someone? Besides Saeyoung and Rika - and they don’t count anyway because they both betrayed him in the end. On the other hand Saeran isn’t sure he’s ever been thanked, and certainly not for something this small. It feels good. It feels like he’s being released from his torture.

But no, he can’t think that. Not yet. He hasn’t paid penance and he hasn’t gotten his revenge. He doesn’t know what to do.

Yoosung accompanies him to the stand where they’re selling the tornado potatoes, and he helps Saeran with the transaction. Saeran feels like a newborn child sometimes, having never really experienced the world before. Even things as simple as buying a snack feel dangerous to him, which is so stupid because he’s done some legitimately dangerous things in his life so far.

“Thanks for buying, Saeran!” Yoosung repeats as the man hands them their cheese-flavored tornado potato. “It feels kind of like a date.” Yoosung laughs before Saeran can say anything, but even if he’d been given the opportunity to speak, Saeran doesn’t know what he’d have said. Maybe something about how he can’t imagine what a date is like because he’s never been on one. Or maybe a snarky comment about how Yoosung can’t know because _he’s_ never been on one. Or maybe he’d have ignored Yoosung’s comment and taken the snack for himself. He can’t know.

They share the potato tornado and Yoosung laments only getting one, but Saeran doesn’t mind sharing. It’s a good snack but he’s not very hungry. And he has to admit that Yoosung is a little cute, the way he keeps biting the potato even when the stick is still in Saeran’s hand.

No - wait, cute can’t be the right word. Saeran can’t let his guard down. He can’t let himself trust anyone, not even Yoosung. He can’t be thinking positive feelings towards people because people will always betray him. He knows that.

“I can’t wait to come back at night with you sometime,” Yoosung tells him as they board the cable car back down the mountain. “Whenever you want to go, just message me, okay?”

Saeran doesn’t reply and stares off at the skyline that becomes nearer and nearer on the descent. He would love to trust Yoosung right now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Yoosung★**

Saeran! Tell everyone what we did today!

**Minkyung**

saeran seemed like he was in a good mood when he came back! it must have been fun.

**Yoosung★**

No, wait, everyone guess! It was something really~ fun~

**Zen**

didn’t you have school? hahaha

**Saeyoung**

must have been playing LOLOL! lol

**Minkyung**

ya

**Jaehee Kang**

I don’t think so. Maybe the aquarium?

**Yoosung★**

OHH! Good guess, Jaehee! But no~ guess again!

**Jumin Han**

Cat cafe =＾● ⋏ ●＾=

**Jaehee Kang**

Please don’t use that kind of emoticon, Mr. Han.

**Saeran**

We went to Namsan.

**Yoosung★**

Saeran!! They were supposed to guess ;;;;

**Yoosung★**

Oh! Saeran’s name changed.

**Saeyoung**

yep~ now he’s as he should be!

**Minkyung**

saeran, did you take pictures?

**Saeran**

Yoosung did.

 

Yoosung sends a picture and Saeran thinks it’ll be the scenery. But it’s a picture of Saeran looking out across the skyline and he looks - well, he looks blissful.

He’s never seen many photos of himself because he never really felt the need to take selcas, and nobody often bothered taking pictures of him. He thinks he looks good in this picture. He looks comfortable. He doesn’t miss his bleached hair and he’s glad his tattoo is covered by his sweater. He wonders what Yoosung was thinking when he took this picture.

 

**Minkyung**

saeran’s handsome~

**Zen**

you’re saying that because he looks like your fiance.

**Yoosung★**

No, she’s right. Saeran is handsome.

**Saeran has left the chatroom.**

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He dreams about Yoosung that night. At first the dream is innocuous, Yoosung just talking to Saeran about this and that. But the next thing Saeran knows, he’s kissing Yoosung’s neck. Yoosung makes the most delightful breathy sounds, letting his fingers curl into Saeran’s hair. Yoosung’s skin is so warm, almost hot, and it drives away the coldness Saeran has felt ever since he left Mint Eye.

“Saeran,” Yoosung whispers, “kiss me here.” He has a finger on his lips and Saeran hesitates only a moment before succumbing to the younger boy’s request. He kisses him more softly than he thought he was able, and Yoosung sighs into the kiss, pressing the weight of his body up against Saeran. So warm. So soft. So…

“FUCK!” comes a cry from the kitchen, and Saeran wakes up. “Saeyoung! I dropped the fucking coffee pot and everything is soaked and I think I burned my leg! God dammit, where are the damn towels?” The smell of coffee permeates the air, even all the way in Saeran’s room. He can hear Saeyoung running to help his fiancee, but Saeran doesn’t feel the need to see what’s happening.

He has a horrible weight on his chest. That kind of dream is so wrong. It’s so wrong. It’s disgusting to think of another man in that way. His mother had told him so, repeatedly. And he can’t force his horrible desires on Yoosung. Not Yoosung. Yoosung needs to be pushed away, not seduced and drawn in by Saeran. Saeran doesn’t deserve love or companionship, not after everything he’s done. He doesn’t deserve to have a life, just an existence. He knows that. He can’t drag Yoosung into that. He can’t _trust_ people.

He could just tell Yoosung about the dream. It would disgust Yoosung and then Saeran wouldn’t have to try to push him out - he’d go willingly.

But for some reason, it hurts Saeran even more to think about how Yoosung will react when he tells him.

So he doesn’t, for now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran has never heard his own ringtone before. It’s a startling trill and he jumps when his phone starts ringing.

It’s Yoosung.

“What,” he answers it - and he hates himself for answering so quickly.

“Saeran, I want to go to Hongdae with you today. Can you meet me at the station? Do you know how to get there?”

“Saeyoung won’t let me leave,” Saeran reminds him.

“He _still_ thinks you need a chaperone at all times? Just tell him you’re meeting me at Hongdae! I’m already at my campus it’ll take me like five minutes to walk to the station but half an hour to get to your place and then another half hour back here. Just tell him you promise you’ll meet me here. You’re not going to run away, right?”

“I might.”

“Well, run away _after_ you hang out with me, then. I want to take you to Sulbing for some chocolate bingsoo, and we can see some buskers, and go shopping. You need a new bag, right? And I saw a hoodie you would look really good in!”

Saeran’s heart shakes for a moment, but then he remembers the dream. How disgusting he feels, trying to force himself upon Yoosung. He has to say no. He has to tell Yoosung he doesn’t want to go, doesn’t care about him, won’t ever consider him a friend.

“Okay, I’ll come,” he says instead. He hates himself. He can’t trust Yoosung, he can’t. If he does, then eventually Yoosung will betray him. And he can’t allow himself to get close to people. He’s different than the rest of them, he’s not bubbly and happy. He’s Saeran, he’s a dangerous criminal, and he can’t trust anyone in this world.

“Great! I’ll message Saeyoung to make sure he knows that he should release his prisoner today,” Yoosung laughs. “You can call me or message me when you arrive or if you get lost, okay? Hongdae station exit nine!”

Yoosung hangs up and Saeran flops down on the couch. This is so bad. He can’t do this.

But he wants to. It sounded fun. He always seems to have a good time with Yoosung and as much as he hates to trust people, nothing seems fake about Yoosung. He knows it’ll probably hurt that much more when Yoosung eventually betrays him, but he wants to go. He wants to find out why Yoosung is so nice to him, so real. It’s fascinating and terrifying at the same time.

He goes over to where Saeyoung is typing away at his computer and Minkyung is drawing weird pictures. They’re a very strange couple.

“Saeyoung, I’m meeting Yoosung at Hongdae. Open the door.”

“Okay, have fun,” Saeyoung says, punching in the door code.

“If you find a bag with a picture of a bunny on it, can you buy it?” Minkyung asks, not even looking up. “I’ll pay you back.”

“Uh...okay,” Saeran says. It was that easy? All he has to do this whole time was ask to go somewhere? Or maybe it’s because they trust Yoosung?

Saeran has a fleeting thought, though, that it could be because they trust him not to run away. And that’s a little bit comforting to think about.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran isn’t very familiar with Seoul but he’s good at following directions. He makes it to Hongdae without any major hiccups and as promised, Yoosung is waiting for him by exit nine.

“You made it!” Yoosung cries, clearly excited to see Saeran. Saeran doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t get it. Why does he want to spend time with Saeran? As if to drive the point home, Yoosung latches onto Saeran’s arm. “So? Do you want to go shopping first or do you want to get bingsoo first? I was thinking chocolate bingsoo but we could get injeolmi if you like that better. Wait, you _do_ like bingsoo, right?”

“Of course I do,” Saeran shakes Yoosung off.

“Chocolate, then? Injeolmi? Maybe...black sesame?” Yoosung asks, looking at Saeran like a little puppy waiting for his owner to throw him a stick.

“Chocolate, then,” Saeran replies. “But let’s shop first, since we’re near the shopping already.”

“Oh? Are you looking for something in particular?” Yoosung asks, unbothered that Saeran clearly doesn’t want to link arms.

“Minkyung wants a bag with a bunny on it.”

“I know where to find that! It’s at the same store with the hoodie I think would suit you,” Yoosung says, skipping ahead. Saeran stops. This is too much. “Hm? Saeran, are you coming?” Yoosung asks, and he reaches out his hand. Saeran looks at it. He wants to take Yoosung’s hand so badly, he can imagine how warm they’d be, how soft, how comforting. But he can’t do it. He can’t take it. Yoosung’s going to go behind his back someday and the less invested Saeran is, the better. And that means no physical contact. “Saeran, are you okay? Do you need to sit down or something?” Yoosung walks up to him, touching Saeran’s arm ever so gently. God, it’s so nice to be touched in a reassuring gesture, but Saeran knows it will never last.

“I’m fine,” he finally says, pulling his arm away from Yoosung again. Yoosung laughs nervously and ignores Saeran’s rudeness. He looks away for a moment before turning back with a smile that’s as bright as ever, but it looks a bit forced. It’s a shame, but Saeran has to do this. He has to keep Yoosung away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Wah, you look so cute!” Yoosung exclaims when Saeran pulls on the hoodie Yoosung had wanted him to try on. Saeran bristles with excitement for only a moment - it’s a surprisingly wonderful feeling to be called cute by Yoosung, someone who Saeran has always thought was the cute one - but no. He can’t. “Really, Saeran, look in the mirror!” Yoosung directs Saeran to a spot where he can admire himself and he’s beaming all the while.

The hoodie is a soft yellow color and the hood has _cat_ _ears_ on it. Saeran does look a little cute. Childish, though, and it definitely doesn’t suit him. He has no idea what Yoosung was thinking.

“It’s so dumb,” Saeran mutters. He pulls the hood off his head and pouts at the ground. He wishes he could say he likes it. He wishes he could tell Yoosung that he wants to be friends, best friends, maybe more than friends. He wishes he could make Yoosung happy. He wishes he could be happy. But he can’t be. Not with other people, anyway.

“Well I’m buying it for you anyway. Give it to Saeyoung if you hate it, but you’re taking it home with you,” Yoosung insists, and God it makes Saeran just want to kiss him. He’s so insistent on doing things for Saeran and Saeran could be so happy. “Do you have the bag Minkyung wanted?”

“Yeah, it’s here,” Saeran replies, pulling off the hoodie and handing it to Yoosung. Yoosung looks glad that Saeran didn’t protest the purchase.

“Saeran, you really do look cute in it, you know,” Yoosung says quietly. “I’d be happy if you wore it.”

“I know,” Saeran replies. He sees Yoosung reach for his hand out of the corner of his eye, but Yoosung falters and stops.

“Well, if you wear it,” Yoosung finally says, “send me a selca, okay?” He grins but the smile is forced again, and Saeran knows he should be happy that his plan to push Yoosung away is working. But he’s not.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran’s sitting alone at the table in Sulbing while Yoosung goest to fetch their chocolate bingsoo. He’s slowly realizing that he’s doomed never to be happy. He can’t get close to Yoosung, because he knows Yoosung would eventually hurt him. But he also can’t stand pushing Yoosung away. He can’t stand it.

But he knows, he knows, he knows he can’t trust anyone. Everyone he’s ever been with has betrayed him. Everyone. Yoosung is no different.

And seeing Yoosung come up smiling, practically salivating at the shaved ice dessert he’s carrying, it kills Saeran. He’s so cute. He could be so convincing that he actually cares about Saeran. And maybe Yoosung does care, but eventually, someday, he’s going to betray Saeran.

“Saeran, doesn’t it look good?” Yoosung asks, setting the tray down on the table between them. It looks amazing, piled high with chocolate and brownie and cheesecake pieces. “You’re going to love it.” Yoosung digs in, reacting to the taste as if it’s the most magical flavor in the world. Saeran wants to laugh. Yoosung _is_ cute, objectively. Saeran may be pushing Yoosung away, but he’s not blind. Yoosung is cute. “Come on, Saeran, have some!”

Saeran takes a bite too, and Yoosung’s right, it’s good. So different from the bingsoo he had once when Rika and V bought it for him.

Ah, Rika and V. Two more people who betrayed him.

And yet, did V deserve to die for it? Saeran _killed_ _him_ , he killed him. Saeran killed someone. He’s a murderer. He’s no better than his father who wanted to have his own children killed or his mother who locked them up. No, he’s worse than they are. He _killed_ someone. He actually ended someone’s life. That’s the worst type of crime. Saeran is the worst. He can’t bear it, he can’t bear it. He’d been innocent before, a victim. But now - now he’s an irredeemable murderer.

“Saeran, what’s wrong?” Yoosung asks, panicking. He gets up when he sees tears seeping from Saeran’s eyes, and he comes to crouch down next to him. “Saeran, why are you crying?”

“Get away,” Saeran sobs. He’s so embarrassed; everyone is looking at them. A grown man crying in a bingsoo shop. But they don’t know. Nobody knows. Even Yoosung doesn’t know that Saeran is the one who killed V. Only those who were there know. And he knows that Minkyung, Saeyoung, Jumin and Vanderwood won’t breathe a word of it.

He stands up and walks towards the exit, and he registers Yoosung wasting no time in following him. They end up outside in the cold, Saeran’s coat left inside. Yoosung’s wearing his, so at least Saeran doesn’t have to feel guilty about letting Yoosung freeze.

“I’m here for you,” Yoosung says finally, and even though Saeran knows he shouldn’t, he needs to tell someone everything right now.

“I did horrible things,” Saeran whispers. “I hurt so many people so badly. I’m responsible for - I did things. Horrible things.”

Yoosung’s expression softens, and Saeran lets Yoosung take his hand. He doesn’t want to fight right now. “Saeran, you were drugged. You’d been brainwashed. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was,” Saeran cries. “I did those things. Doesn’t matter if I wasn’t thinking straight. I was thinking. I did them.”

“You were forced,” Yoosung says.

“No! I wasn’t! I did things nobody wanted me to do. I hurt people because I wanted to!” Saeran sobs. “I’m a monster.”

“No you’re not,” Yoosung cries. He pulls Saeran into a hug, wrapping his coat around Saeran’s skinny, shivering frame. “Saeran, listen. You did things you think you wanted, but you were drugged. You’d been brainwashed. If you wish that you hadn’t done those things, and not just because of the consequences, then that shows that you didn’t want to do those things. Not really. You’re not a monster. It’s not your fault.”

Saeran knows Yoosung’s wrong. And he knows letting himself be hugged by Yoosung is a bad idea. But he lets himself indulge a little longer - after all, this will make the pain worse later, and that’s exactly what Saeran deserves.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


December comes around and suddenly it’s Minkyung’s birthday. Saeran’s been in bed all day, feeling tired and a little achy. It reminds him of the old days and he hates it. Saeyoung had come in earlier to remind him that the other RFA members were going to be there for the party in a little while, and by the way Zen is yelling for him, Saeran can now see that they’ve arrived.

“Saeran! Yoosung is here, Zen is here! Jaehee is here too!” Zen cries, laughing when it seems like Jumin mutters something about him being here also.

Saeran tries to lift himself out of bed but he just can’t. His head feels so heavy. His skin feels sensitive but cold somehow. He’s sweaty.

Ah, he’s sick. This is what he gets for crying outside in the cold without a coat.

 

**Yoosung★**

Saeran~~ are you coming downstairs?

01/12 PM 13:28

**Saeran**

I’m not feeling well.

01/12 PM 13:28

**Yoosung★**

I’ll be there in a second!

01/12 PM 13:29

 

“No” Saeran starts to type, but it’s too late, Yoosung knocks on his door and opens it gingerly, peeking his head in to make sure Saeran knows he’s there.

“You look sick,” Yoosung frowns, walking over to Saeran’s bed.

“I am,” Saeran sighs. His limbs feel limp, like it’s too much effort to try to move them. Yoosung’s hand is suddenly on Saeran’s forehead and for the first time, Yoosung doesn’t feel as warm. Maybe it’s because Saeran clearly has a fever.

But despite Yoosung’s hand not being warm, it’s soft and it feels so nice against Saeran’s head. Saeran closes his eyes, ready to let himself enjoy the touch, when Yoosung pulls his hand away.

“I’ll get you some medicine and maybe a cooling patch.”

“My head hurts. My face hurts,” Saeran complains, sniffing. His sinuses are completely swollen.

“A heating pad will help with that...but should I do that when you have a fever?” he asks, mostly to himself. “I think it’s fine...shouldn’t affect your core temperature…” He turns back to Saeran. “I’ll be back in a little while. Try to sleep if you can, I’ll see what Saeyoung has in his medicine cabinet.”

Yoosung leaves and Saeran finds himself feeling strange. He was going to let himself be touched by Yoosung. It’s okay if he’s sick, right? Yoosung would take care of a stray cat just like this. Saeran’s no better than a stray cat so it’s fine.

Yoosung reappears with medicine and water and a hot eye pad for Saeran’s sinuses. “You’ll feel better in no time, Saeran,” Yoosung says. He sits on Saeran’s bed, pushing back his bangs. Yoosung’s fingers still feel nice on Saeran’s forehead. He closes his eyes again as Yoosung’s hand sneaks behind his head, down to his nape. He prompts Saeran to sit up to take his medicine, so Saeran does as he’s told, but suddenly he’s face to face with Yoosung.

He is exceptionally good-looking. He has no sharp, harsh angles on his face but he doesn’t look like a girl, either. His hair is still bleached but it suits him. He has the loveliest eyes, and when they look at Saeran he feels...he feels…

Almost happy, maybe. Almost.

“Lie down,” Yoosung tells him, and Saeran does so. “Close your eyes, I warmed up a heating pad for your sinuses.” Yoosung puts the pad on Saeran’s face and it feels nice, like he’ll be able to finally sleep a little without the throbbing in his face. “Is it too hot?”

“No,” Saeran replies, “it feels good.”

“G-good,” Yoosung stutters, and Saeran realizes suddenly that Yoosung must find it odd to hear Saeran express anything other than a half-hearted reply. But Saeran’s too tired to push Yoosung away. That’s his excuse for now, in any case. It’s even his excuse when Yoosung runs his fingers through Saeran’s hair, presumably in a comforting motion to help him sleep. Saeran will let himself believe it for now. It feels good to trust Yoosung, if only for a moment.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran wakes up feeling a lot better than he had before. The throbbing pain at the front of his head is gone and he feels like he can breathe a little. He looks at the clock, noticing it’s only five and he’s been asleep for less than three hours. Maybe Yoosung is still here. Maybe Saeran can thank him.

He exits his room quietly, hoping to gauge how many people are still downstairs, but instead, it allows him to overhear the conversation they’re having.

“It’s hard,” Yoosung’s saying.

“I gave up a long time ago,” comes Jumin’s voice, and Jaehee sighs.

“Mr. Han, I don’t know if you ever even tried,” she replies.

“You definitely didn’t,” says Zen. “But then again, I’m not sure Jaehee or I made much of an effort either. Saeyoung and Minkyung have been trying the hardest to help Saeran.”

“No,” Saeyoung’s voice sounds sad. “I wish I could say I tried the hardest, but honestly, I think it’s Yoosung. He’s been so attentive.”

“It’s because - well...anyway, it’s gotten harder. I keep trying to get him to trust me completely but he won’t budge. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m starting to think maybe I should just give up too. It feels like I’ve reached a plateau. He doesn’t want me any more than he used to.”

Saeran turns around at the top of the stairs, too scared to listen to the rest.

Because it’s all a lie. Saeran wants Yoosung. He wants him more than anything. He wishes they could be together all the time, going to get coffee or dinner, walking along the Cheonggyecheon stream together, cuddling up in the evenings and sleeping together at night. He wants to touch Yoosung’s body, he wants Yoosung to touch his body. He wants kisses and passionate embraces and so much more but he _can’t_. Especially not if Yoosung is thinking of giving up on him. And he knows Yoosung doesn’t want what Saeran wants. It’s for both of their own good that Saeran keeps a safe distance. It’s for their own good.

He goes back into his room and back in bed. He needs to sleep.

But this time, when he dreams of Yoosung, it’s not just kisses anymore. It’s as if the floodgates are open, as if his mind is bent on subjecting him to the worst possible torture, giving him not just a taste but a whole _mouthful_ of what he could have if his life wasn’t like this.

Yoosung is buried deep inside Saeran, fucking him languidly. It’s so hot, everything is so hot, Saeran can feel Yoosung’s cock sliding back and forth within him. They’re both covered in sweat, Yoosung’s face flushed and his eyes half-closed in pleasure. His hair is pushed back and Saeran can see his face clearly, vividly, as if this were real life and not a dream. He knows he’s dreaming somehow, but he can still feel the ecstasy Yoosung is giving him. Yoosung starts gaining speed as he folds Saeran in half, rolling his own hips to a rhythm Saeran wishes he could hear. Saeran’s cock is straining against his stomach, he feels so tense and hot and when Yoosung opens his eyes and breathes the words “Saeran, I love you” Saeran feels like he’s about to come.

But he wakes up instead, blessed with an erection and a fever that’s back in full force. He waddles to the bathroom to finish himself off, but he feels disgusting. He can’t believe he’s having these thoughts about Yoosung. It’s so dirty for a man to want to be fucked, especially by another man. Especially by a man as innocent and carefree as Yoosung. He hates himself. He’s disgusting.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Yoosung★**

Meet me in Hongdae at 10:30?

03/12 AM 09:56

**Yoosung★**

Are you awake? How about 1:30?

03/12 AM 11:04

**Yoosung★**

I saw a group dancing to Twice’s new song at 2x speed. You like Twice, right?

03/12 PM 13:50

**Yoosung★**

Maybe we can come back tomorrow? Or we can go to Insadong?

03/12 PM 16:18

**Yoosung★**

im drknu srean hahahahahahahahahaaahahhha coem drihnkign wit hme netx time

03/12 PM 23:49

**Yoosung★**

goodgihtn sarean <3 <3 ,3<3,

04/12 AM 02:01

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Saeran,” comes Minkyung’s unbearable voice. She opens the door a little to see Saeran reading the same book he’s read for the past few weeks. He doesn’t like it that much but it feels like too much of a hassle to start a new book. “Yoosung’s here to see you. Can I send him up?”

“No, make him leave.”

“You don’t want to see him?”

“Yes, I definitely want to see him, which is why I told you to make him leave!” Saeran rolls his eyes at her, and she frowns.

“What happened?”

“Do I have to explain everything to you? It’s none of your business,” Saeran snaps, and Minkyung’s frown intensifies.

“I think it would do you good,” Minkyung insists, but Saeran puts on his headphones and turns up his music. He can vaguely hear Minkyung grumbling as she closes his door. She’s never been one to yell when she’s been wronged, but she also doesn’t merely forgive and forget. And she won’t tell Saeyoung, either. She may be a woman who was tricked, but she is not a woman who will accept her circumstances. Saeran wishes he’d chosen a weak woman to trick. Maybe if she’d been weak, he wouldn’t be here right now, and that would suit him just fine.

Yoosung doesn’t come up.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Saeyoung**

The wedding date is set! January 31st at Jumin’s house!

**Jumin Han**

No.

**Minkyung**

Lolololol

**Zen**

Of course Jumin would say no.

**Jumin Han**

Elizabeth 3rd would be in danger.

**Saeyoung**

Elly is invited too!!~!~!~

**Minkyung**

I’ll pick out a bridesmaid dress for Elly~~~ hehehe

**Jumin Han**

No

**Zen**

No

**Jaehee Kang**

Please no.

**Yoosung★**

So who is the best man?

**Saeyoung**

It’s Saeran, of course!

**Yoosung★**

Oh! Of course! Saeran, are you excited?

**Yoosung★**

Saeran? He’s logged in, right?

**Minkyung**

He is

**Yoosung★**

Saeran??? Are you ok?

**Saeran has left the chatroom.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran has had eighteen missed calls from Yoosung in the past fourteen days. He hasn’t replied to Yoosung’s texts since Minkyung’s birthday. He hasn’t said a word in the chatroom since then either. He hasn’t seen Yoosung or heard from him at all. His voice messages are sometimes bright and cheery, sometimes sad and melancholy, and sometimes, when it seems like Yoosung is drunk, angry. But he can’t respond. He can’t see Yoosung. He’s been over this a thousand times in his head.

He’s been mean to Minkyung and Saeyoung. He’s called Minkyung some horrible things and she eventually snapped. He knows, deep down, that she tried so hard to be nice to him and care for him even if he was being nasty, but she must have had a breaking point, because now she won’t speak to him. She won’t even set a place for him at the table for dinner. Saeyoung has had to do a lot for Saeran, since no matter how mean Saeran is to him, Saeyoung doesn’t break. He allows himself to be walked on by Saeran, despite Minkyung’s disdain about it. Saeran thought for a while he might have come between them during their engagement, but it seems they’re as strong as ever, so he doesn’t feel bad about being horrible. He doesn’t feel _too_ bad, anyway.

He found the hoodie Yoosung got for him and he puts it on. It’s soft, and it reminds him of Yoosung so much. It’s painful, but he keeps thinking about him. What he could have in an ideal world where he didn’t have to worry about trusting people, about Yoosung being disgusted by a man loving him, about his horrible past as a murderer.

Lying back in his bed, he imagines Yoosung kissing him. God, he would love that. He imagines him sucking red marks into the skin right next to his jaw, his neck, his collarbones.

He reaches for his cock, stroking it slowly.

Saeran imagines Yoosung guiding him through it, slowly gliding his hand up and down Saeran’s cock. “You’re beautiful,” Yoosung would breathe. “Look at you.” He’d spread his legs open for Yoosung, just to let him get a better look. Yoosung would kiss marks down his chest, his abdomen, down to the sensitive spots between Saeran’s legs. He’d take one of Saeran’s balls into his mouth, suckling gently, teasingly. He’d breathe hot air onto Saeran’s cock, still sucking his balls until Saeran starts to whine. Yoosung would laugh as his mouth makes his way to Saeran’s entrance, pressing his tongue tentatively to the skin there.

He reaches a finger behind himself, tentatively pressing in. It’s too dry. He has no lube but god he could imagine Yoosung lubing up his fingers and pushing in, spreading Saeran out.

“Can I?” Yoosung would ask, his cock positioned at Saeran’s entrance. Saeran would nod; he’d beg if he had to. And then Yoosung would sheathe himself, groaning as he lets Saeran adjust to the fit. “Do you feel good?” he’d ask, and Saeran would whine with pleasure, telling Yoosung to move. Move faster. Yoosung would return his hand to Saeran’s cock, stroking in time to the rhythm of his thrusts.

He could imagine Yoosung coming inside him, filling him full of warmth. He can imagine Yoosung tugging his cock until Saeran is coming all over his own stomach.

“Fuck, Yoosung,” Saeran groans. He opens his eyes.

The hoodie is ruined.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran often has bad days now. They’re those days where he can’t get up out of his bed no matter how hard he tries. The guilt and the fear are crushing him. Those kinds of days have been happening more often and as much as he wishes he could just forget about Yoosung, he can’t. But he keeps thinking about how nobody can be trusted, not even Yoosung. He keeps thinking about how Yoosung can’t be saddled with an emotional attachment to someone as despicable as Saeran is. He keeps thinking that it’s for the best and it’s slowly eating him.

And then, on one of those bad days he opens his bedroom door to a knock, and it’s not Saeyoung, it’s not Minkyung. It’s Yoosung. Suddenly Saeran can’t breathe as Yoosung marches inside without so much as a hello, can I come in?

Yoosung rounds on him as Saeran closes the door. He doesn’t know why he’s not protesting, why he’s not throwing any loose piece of furniture at Yoosung. Maybe it’s just because he doesn’t have the energy anymore. He leans against the door and watches as Yoosung’s fierce expression turns serious.

“Listen, Saeran. I don’t know what specifically made you pretend I don’t exist but you can’t ignore me right now. I honestly thought about giving up. I did give up for a while but I kept thinking about you and I kept hearing from Saeyoung and Minkyung about how depressed you’ve been and I just can’t live with myself if I don’t see if I can do anything. I want you to be okay, to be happy. So can you just tell me what I can do to make things right between us? Please?” He looks sad, almost lost. His face is thinner than it used to be and the bags under his eyes are worse than when he’s just finished a LOLOL marathon. But Saeran can’t break. He can’t.

“There’s nothing,” Saeran replies sharply. “I’m ignoring you because you stopped being useful to me. I’m bored with you.”

“That can’t be true. I know it’s not,” Yoosung says immediately, and Saeran’s breath hitches for a moment when he realizes Yoosung can read his every thought just by looking at him. It’s too much. He has to do something about this, before he’s in over his head.

“Can you get out of here?” Saeran hisses, jabbing a finger at the door. “Just leave. I don’t want you here, I’ve never wanted you, and I’ll never want you in the future no matter -”

“Dammit, Saeran!” Yoosung interrupts, raising his voice. “I’m telling you I’m not giving up on you! I’m here for you no matter what, please just trust me! I’m not leaving you, I won’t leave you, I -”

“Why are you so nice to me?” Saeran yells at him. He covers his face in his hands - he can feel tears coming and he doesn’t want Yoosung to see. This is just so much raw emotion all at once and Saeran can’t handle it. “I don’t get it, why are you so persistent, so nice? I keep trying to push you away but you just won’t leave me alone!”

“It’s because I LOVE YOU, Saeran!” Yoosung yells back, and Saeran freezes.

“What?” He looks up, tears still pricking at his eyes but he has to look, he’s so shocked. He wasn’t expecting this at all.

“I love you…” Yoosung looks down. “It’s just...I know you’re trying to push me away. I realize that. I’ve known that since the engagement party. But at first I just...I felt sorry for you. I didn’t...I thought maybe you felt like there was nobody you could count on and...I don’t know. The others were busy. I wanted to help you get better. And as I was trying to help I...I fell in...I just started to really love you.”

“Love...me?” Saeran stutters. He doesn’t know what to make of this. Yoosung, the one he’s been so horrible to...the one he’s been thinking horrible thoughts about, impure and disgusting thoughts...likes him. “But why?”

“Dammit,” Yoosung mutters, running a hand through his blond hair. “It’s because you don’t even realize how cute you can be. I know you probably don’t want to hear that but I think it all the time. And you’re...kinda hot? I mean let’s be honest. You’re good looking. How am I supposed to ignore that?”

“Ew...I look like Saeyoung though…”

“God, don’t say that,” Yoosung laughs, pretending to gag. “I can’t imagine liking him.”

“And yet -”

“Yes, exactly, and yet here I am liking you. And that’s because I like you for you and not just your looks. I mean, you’re fun to hang out with and I know that if you just could trust me, maybe let me love you...you would have a good time too. You’re smart and talented and I’m sure there’s so much to you I still have to learn about. So yeah. I’m in love with you. Sorry if that grosses you out. But I can’t pretend not to feel this way anymore.” Yoosung coughs, looking up at Saeran. His cheeks are flushed red and all those horrible thoughts come rushing back to Saeran’s mind. He can imagine Yoosung in bed, all hot, with his face looking exactly like this. He wants it so bad. He wants Yoosung so, so, so bad. But he can’t. He doesn’t deserve it. It’s too much of a risk.

“Yeah, it’s gross,” Saeran replies, turning away from Yoosung.

“O-oh,” Yoosung mumbles. “I thought maybe you...felt…”

“The same way?” Saeran laughs. God, it hurts. It hurts to laugh at Yoosung like this. “Yeah, as if that would ever happen. It’s disgusting.”

“Alright, I’m sorry,” Yoosung says weakly. “I’ll go.”

“I don’t want you to feel embarrassed,” Saeran sneers, “so I’ll forget everything you said.”

“No, don’t forget it,” Yoosung says as he’s halfway out the door. “I meant it. Remember it. But Saeran, I also want you to remember who’s pushing who away. I’m not leaving you. You’re leaving me.” He closes the door before Saeran can get in a retort, and now Saeran’s left feeling like maybe something just happened that shouldn’t have.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He goes almost a month without a peep from Yoosung before he really starts to feel. It was a numbness, before. At first it was just torturing himself, spending time with Yoosung while simultaneously telling himself that he needed to stop. But now that Yoosung’s gone, Saeran feels so deeply. He feels like he’s going a little insane. Every time his phone beeps, he thinks maybe Yoosung has forgiven him. Maybe Yoosung wants to come back. Maybe Yoosung will come and say “haha, I was kidding!” and then they’ll be happy.

He tells himself sometimes, late at night, when he’s been alone with his thoughts all day, that he was right. That Yoosung really did betray him, leave him behind, just like he knew he would.

But a voice that’s been getting stronger recently has been piping up, saying that’s not what happened. Saeran pushed Yoosung away, and for what reason?

He tells himself that, alright, maybe this time Yoosung was sincere. But eventually, in the long run, it may be weeks or months or even years, Yoosung will betray him.

But that naggy little voice comes back again, asking him “isn’t it worth it?”

And it could be. Saeran would love to have Yoosung for himself, even for a little while. He’d love to see Yoosung’s smile every day, to see him get excited over little things. He’d love to kiss Yoosung and to be kissed back, to do more than that. He’d love to even have arguments with Yoosung - nothing big, but just enough to make it interesting. He’d love to love Yoosung.

Ah, but it’s too late for that now, isn’t it? Yoosung’s gone, and it’s clear he’s not coming back.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The wedding preparations have become serious. Minkyung actually did get a bridesmaid dress for Elizabeth 3rd, but Jumin has put his foot down and said she isn’t coming. (He did let Minkyung do a photoshoot with Elizabeth in the dress, though. Saeran’s sure Jumin couldn’t resist seeing the love of his life in a beautiful dress.) The maid of honor is Jaehee, who’s tolerable enough, but the other bridesmaids, Echo Girl, Sarah Choi, and Glam Choi are absolutely insufferable. All three of them are completely brainless with ridiculous ambition. Minkyung seems to have them wrapped around her little finger, though, but Saeran has no idea how this wedding is going to be anything but completely bizarre.

Saeyoung’s decided not to have any groomsmen besides Saeran, which suits Saeran but infuriated the bridesmaids, much to Minkyung’s amusement. He’s happy, at least, he doesn’t have to worry about Vanderwood or Zen or Jumin or...or Yoosung.

Saeran has been agonizing over how to deal with seeing Yoosung at the wedding. He knows now he can’t live without Yoosung and he’s sure that seeing Yoosung is going to make him wish he was dead. He can’t bear to think of being near Yoosung without being able to have some sort of hope that maybe, maybe something could work out.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran takes a deep breath. He’s standing just outside Minkyung and Saeyoung’s bedroom, knowing full well that Minkyung is out drinking with Vanderwood and Saeyoung is still worried about angering Saeran. This is the best time he can think of to talk to him.

“Saeyoung...” he says softly, knocking on the door a little. It’s slightly open and Saeyoung tells him to come in.

“What is it?” Saeyoung asks. He looks up at him warily, as if he’s about to insult him again or tell him he’s just broken a window. But that’s not what he’s here for today.

“Can I...ask you a question?” he says in a voice barely above a whisper. He looks up at him, and Saeyoung purses his lips. He can see the gears turning in his mind, all the horrible things he’s called him and said to him going round and round.

But instead of sending him away, Saeyoung kindly asks him to sit. “You can ask whatever you want,” he says with a hint of a smile. Saeran is sorry for all the things he’s said to him.

“How do I...how should...have - have you ever been worried that Minkyung was going to leave you?”

Saeyoung looks taken aback, brushing his bangs out of his face. “Well...actually, _I_ kept trying to push her away, when...all that stuff was happening. I felt like I didn’t deserve to love anyone, like I’d end up hurting people I got close to. And she was worried she wouldn’t get through to me and that I wouldn’t realize how much she cared about me.”

“How did she get you to realize? Did she promise never to leave you? What convinced you?” Saeran asks, and Saeyoung smiles.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever heard you talk so earnestly,” he remarks. “I guess she just kept caring deeply for me. You saw how it was. You see how it still is. She didn’t want to leave me and I didn’t do a very good job of pushing her away. She teased me a lot.” He laughs, and his laugh is light and comfortable as usual. He’s nothing like their mother or the terrible man Saeran thought he was.

But Saeran still doesn’t know what to do. He hangs his head, and Saeyoung stops laughing. “What if you’d been able to push her away? What if she’d gotten fed up with trying to help you?” Saeran wonders, hoping he won’t start crying.

“Well,” she says, “I don’t think she’d have been able to stop caring. She might have stopped trying to interfere but I don’t think she’d have stopped caring.” Saeran’s silent, scratching at his nape in worry. “Saeran, is this about Yoosung?”

“No!” he replies reflexively.

“Really?” Saeyoung asks again. “What is it about?” He sounds like he doesn’t believe him and he wonders if it’s been so obvious this whole time that’s he’s completely in love with Yoosung. That would make him feel even worse.

“How do I get him back?” he whispers. He doesn’t want to hear that he can’t. He doesn’t want to hear that he blew it. But he said horrible things to Yoosung. Things that nobody in their right mind would forgive. Why would Yoosung start over, knowing the way things had gone the first time?

“I think he still cares,” Saeyoung responds. “And he’s shown you how much he cares about you, right? He’s taken you out and bought you things. I’m sure he would have confessed if you two hadn’t argued.”

“He did confess,” Saeran tells him.

“Huh?” he cries, grabbing Saeran’s hand. His engagement ring, the one Saeyoung made two of, one for Minkyung and one for himself, is right up in his face. “Oh, sorry. I was surprised, that’s all. So...even then...you let him go?”

“You’re right, there’s no way I can talk to him after that,” Saeran sighs.

“I didn’t say that,” Saeyoung shakes his head. “I think the best course of action is for you to show him that you care, too. Show him that you’re willing to be vulnerable with him.”

Saeran winces. “I can’t.”

“Do you trust him?” he asks, and that’s the question, isn’t it?

“Yes,” Saeran replies, surprising even himself.

“Do you love him?”

“Yes, I really love him,” Saeran nods. Saeyoung smiles a lovely, paternal smile, as if his own child had just taken his first steps. And maybe that’s how Saeyoung and Minkyung see Saeran. Even though Minkyung’s only two years older than Saeran, and even though Saeran and Saeyoung are twins, maybe they see him as a son who has no clue how to walk on his own. He doesn’t blame them.

“Tell him that. And Saeran, I want you to know that nobody blames you for what happened last year. I blame our mom. I blame our dad. Minkyung blames Rika, which...well, anyway. She does. But Saeran, we don’t blame you, okay? And I know Yoosung doesn’t either.” Saeran nods, unsure if he fully believes him but hoping he’s right. “Growing up the way we did, it’s natural that you have a hard time trusting people and feeling at ease with yourself and your relationships. But I’m speaking from experience that loving the right person is so worth it. And I think Yoosung is the right person for you. I think he knows you’re the right person for him, too. You just have to show him that!”

“How?”

“Tell him how you feel - how you’ve been feeling this whole time. I think he just wants to know where your head’s at.” Saeyoung takes Saeran’s hand gently, and although it’s warm and soft, his hands are different than Yoosung’s. It’s not the same, to be cared for by your brother and to be cared for by someone who’s in love with you. He realizes that he’s just going to keep comparing everyone to Yoosung and for that reason, he needs to show Yoosung that he’s sorry and that he wants Yoosung to care for him again. He wants to show Yoosung he cares.

He gets up, and Saeyoung lets go of his hand. He steps towards the door, but before he leaves, he turns back to Saeyoung. “Thank you for listening.” He hopes he understands that he means to thank him for everything, and not just for today.

Saeyoung smiles. “Thanks for trusting me.” And he kind of did trust him, didn’t he?

He leaves with a warm feeling in his heart. He’s nervous about talking to Yoosung. But he has to do it. And now he realizes that he _can_.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Minkyung’s wedding dress is lovely, but the bridesmaids’ dresses are objectively horrible, bright pink and mid-calf length. Saeran has a sneaking suspicion that Minkyung chose them specifically to make these vapid and vain women wear ugly clothes, but she keeps going on and on about how beautiful her “close friends” look. Minkyung is very strange. Perfect for Saeyoung.

Saeyoung’s dressed in an all-white tuxedo, exactly the same color as Minkyung’s dress. Saeran was allowed to choose whatever he wanted to wear, which ended up being a standard black suit that Zen had picked. He’s never really much cared what he looks like, but now that he’s seeing Yoosung for the first time in over a month, he feels like he should at least look like a human who has something to live for. Because he does, he thinks. Even if Yoosung still hates him after this, he feels more comfortable with Minkyung and Saeyoung now.

The wedding is being held in a grand hotel near Dongdaemun, and the hall Jumin reserved for them is decorated in the most bizarrely beautiful way. It looks like they all stepped into some sort of magical forest, completely with woodland creatures, both real and imaginary. Saeran doesn’t like it much, but it’s not his wedding.

He and Saeyoung come down the aisle first, standing at the altar. He’s never seen his brother look so nervous and happy at the same time. He feels a little glad that he can be there, after all they’ve been through together.

Saeran spots Yoosung. Yoosung’s not making eye contact with Saeran, and no matter where Yoosung looks in the room, his eyes don’t meet Saeran’s. It makes him nervous, but he has to go through with what he has planned.

The bridesmaids enter next: Glam, Sarah, Echo Girl, and finally Jaehee. Somehow Jaehee has a different, nicer dress than the other bridesmaids.

And then enters Minkyung, holding Vanderwood’s arm. He walks her down the aisle like a proud father, and Minkyung’s smiling, greeting her guests. She waves to Driver Kim, says a quick hello to Tom, blows a kiss to Mimmy. She grins brightly at Saeran and Jaehee before turning to her fiance, smiling at him with the same expression Yoosung always used to look at Saeran with. Love, he supposes.

The bride and groom wrote their own vows. Minkyung’s mention how she fell in love with Saeyoung, how much she wishes Longcat could have come, how happy she is that he finally let her love him. Saeyoung’s mention Saeran first, how glad he is that Minkyung helped him through difficult times, how much he too wishes Longcat could have come, and how happy he is that they’re together. It’s very heartwarming and a little bit strange, but that was to be expected. They kiss, and as the guests cheer, Saeran looks over to Yoosung again. This time, Yoosung’s looking at him, too. Saeran bites his lip, knowing that now isn’t the time.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran is shaky throughout the cocktail hour and the dinner. By the end of the night, when all the dancing has stopped (except for a very drunk Echo Girl, pleading with Christmas Nolan, who’s standing at the side, to cast her in a movie), Saeran looks around for Yoosung, only to see him slipping out the door into the hallway. Saeran’s hands are trembling as he runs to follow Yoosung. He doesn’t miss Saeyoung wink at him as he races through the door.

“Wait, Yoosung, wait!” Saeran cries out, and Yoosung stops in his tracks. He turns around, eyes wide. Saeran’s never raised his voice so desperately before. But he has to. He has to. “Yoosung, please. Let me talk. Please. Please.”

“Alright, alright,” Yoosung replies quietly, letting Saeran approach him. Saeran can’t meet Yoosung’s eyes. He can’t watch Yoosung react to what he’s about to say.

“Yoosung...I...I was wrong. I hurt you and I did mean to do it, I’m not going to lie about that. But I wish I hadn’t. I wish I hadn’t said all those horrible things. Because the truth is, I liked you this whole time. I liked everything you did for me and with me. I...I was happy at the engagement party when you found a place for me to sit. I was happy when you said you’d help me. I was happy when we met at the grocery store and I was really happy when you got me the star candies. I liked going to Namsan with you, sharing a potato tornado with you. I liked chatting with you in the chatroom and meeting you in Hongdae and I really liked the hoodie you bought for me. It did - does - look cute. I wore it. I liked when you cared for me when I was sick and when you put your hands in my hair and when you helped me fall asleep. And I really, really liked when you said you loved me. I really loved that.”

He looks up at Yoosung, ready to gauge his reaction, but Yoosung’s still blank-faced, as if he’s not impressed at all. But Saeran’s in too deep to stop now. He’s got to get this all out and then he can finally let go of Yoosung. His voice is shaky as he continues, tears pricking at his eyes. He’s never voiced his emotions so clearly before.

“So...so what I’m saying is...I’m so sorry about the way I treated you. You were never anything but nice to me even when I was just...a monster. I was scared. I pushed you away because I was scared you’d leave me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that fear. But I know that...I love you. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He’s blubbering now, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He tries to wipe his face with his hands but Yoosung catches his wrists.

“You wore the hoodie and you didn’t send me a selca?” Yoosung asks in a measured tone. What? Is that - is that all he has to say? Saeran looks at Yoosung again, confused more than anything, and then suddenly Yoosung laughs. “I’m glad you told me these things. I tried to understand you but I guess I didn’t realize how scared you were of trusting people. It makes sense. I’m sorry I couldn’t reassure you before.”

“I - yeah. I…” he pauses, remembering what Saeyoung had said about nobody blaming him. But he has to tell Yoosung. He has to be sure. “Yoosung...also...I need to tell you...just so you know…” he takes a deep breath. “I...I was the one who killed V. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t - I wish I - I don’t have any excuses but -”

Yoosung squeezes his hand. “I know. I already know. Saeyoung told me. A long time ago. I already told you nothing you did while at that place was your fault. I don’t want you to torture yourself over it. Okay?”

“Okay,” Saeran exhales. He feels woozy and dizzy, as if he’s suddenly a small tree that can be blown over at any moment by the slightest gust of wind. The dizziness intensifies when Yoosung’s face comes close to Saeran’s.

“I love you too, and I forgive you for everything,” Yoosung whispers into Saeran’s ear. “Lean on me when you have problems from now on. I said I’m not going to leave you and I mean it.”

“Okay,” Saeran replies, letting out a shaky laugh. He feels vindicated. He feels free. He feels like he’s been released from his curse.

“Oh? That’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh for real,” Yoosung says. “Wow, I can’t wait to hear that more often. I can’t wait to spend more time with you and buy you more candy and more hoodies. And speaking of the hoodie, I’m very disappointed I didn’t get a selca.” Saeran is about to laugh when he remembers just what happened last time he wore that hoodie. He blushes, he can feel the heat rising to his cheeks and Yoosung looks amused. “Did something happen?”

“Uh...the hoodie…”

“Did you destroy it?”

“I got it...dirty…” Saeran blushes even harder - he can feel it in his ears. He covers his face with his hands, so embarrassed.

Yoosung’s voice drops to a whisper. “Are you saying you masturbated while wearing it?” Yoosung smiles. “So you think of me while you touch yourself...that’s a nice thought…”

“Yoosung!” Saeran cries, absolutely mortified. He’d never expected to hear Yoosung be so nonchalant about it.

“I’ve thought about you too, it’s not embarrassing. Anyway, now that we’re dating we’ll get to experience the real thing,” Yoosung shrugs, but Saeran chokes.

“We’re dating?”

“Did you confess to me just to confess?” Yoosung asks, cocking his head to the side. “Didn’t you want something out of it?”

“I guess…” Saeran pauses. “I guess I didn’t expect it to go so well.” He smiles sheepishly and Yoosung grins back.

“You have a nice smile. I’m so lucky I have a boyfriend with a nice smile,” Yoosung replies, and suddenly Yoosung’s lips are on Saeran’s smile, just for a quick second, before Yoosung’s smile is all Saeran can see.

“I love you,” Yoosung whispers.

“I love you too,” Saeran whispers back.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Saeran awakens to the soft sound of snow falling outside his window. His phone buzzes beside him, and he looks at it.

 

**Yoosung★**

Good morning Saeran <3

01/02 AM 9:13

**Saeran**

Good morning Yoosung

01/02 AM 9:13

**Saeran**

I love you

01/02 AM 9:13

**Yoosung★**

YOU’RE MAKING ME BLUSH THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING???

01/02 AM 9:14

**Yoosung★**

I love you too (ᗒᗣᗕ)

01/02 AM 9:14

 

Saeran smiles. He can’t wait to see Yoosung today, this time with nothing to worry about.

It’s cold outside, it’s cold in his room, even, but Saeran feels warm.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the longest fic I've written in almost a year and the one I've been happiest with in about that long as well! Mystic Messenger ran my life for a good 3-ish months and got me through my second!! quarter-life crisis. It has gained a permanent soft spot in my heart. My favorite route was actually Yoosung's, but I thought this was a ship with potential, so I hope you liked the fic as much as I liked writing it!
> 
> Find me on twitter @eexiee or on tumblr u/n zhoumimis.


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